Who is Amal?

11-4-2008

To: Monica Costea and Alexandra Grigorosoaea

The absolute hatred blinded him from the taste of freedom; psychological violence which accompanied him whenever proceeded to writing a new story; the case of living love whenever he played classical music; the dream of Permanent genius; the bitter reality that accompanies the inevitable meditation age; the attempt to answer the absurd questions; the case of the intellectual death

His father called him Amal on the name of the poet Amal Denkul; as his father was fond of poetry and classical music

Amal stood in front of the mirror; admiring his twinkling and elegant suit as his usual daily habit whether was it summer or the winter season; listening to the overture of Wagner's opera Lohengrin; putting on his handkerchief then his hat; the hat must be tilted forward slightly; lifting the gramophone needle; smiling, then disembarked

Place: at Amal's
Amal and his girlfriend are sitting; she on the couch and him on his favorite chair

The girl: What's wrong with you?
Amal: nothing!

-- Silence --

: Don’t you agree with me that the era of land slavery has returned again?
: What do you mean?
: That in the recent past the individual used to work for a certain number of hours and receive a certain output ; Now; working double and obtain the same output!
: Maybe
: It is the fear; the fear of the unknown is what will remain the only motivation for this human life, and this miserable senseless human life can be noticed for most people; these unfortunate submitted characters or perhaps mad, yet in silence! Look at these subjects passing by in the street; you will not find anyone smiling, everybody has a sad face on!

-- Silence --

: What do you intend to do?

Smiling in the bitterness: What i do and what I intend to do is always my belief that it could not be done; my success or failure, that is another matter; I reached a point that I do not seeks success it is just that I don’t want to fail anymore. The worst thing is the submission to my mental illness to be referred to by some as a wise man!

: But you are wise! You can look at people's eyes and know what is lying underneath

: There are four types of eyes; mischievous eyes that will penetrate you and see you naked and fantasize about you, Kind eyes, maybe naive that sees the kindness in you, foolish eyes that sees what you want them to see and playful eyes that does not necessarily permit you to see the reality of its own, so, which eyes do you want to own?

: I want happy eyes

: What is happiness? Is it in obtaining money or achieving what cant be achieved? Or is the status of the illusion that we can continue to live in life?

: Perhaps; and possibly also is not thinking of everything all the time, sometimes, the sense of illusion becomes a reality! And perhaps happiness is when you look at the child whom you see smiling and you just smile!

: When I was a child; I dreamt that I owe a children toys factory; my father was permanently refusing to buy me any toys.

: Amal! This is rotting the food for the soul; it is better to read this book or listen to this piece of music; then he turns on the gramophone and puts the Fifth Symphony of Mahler saying: listen!!! This piece is the puny spirit flying in our skies; it is the dark eyes, which refuses to see the truth; the truth that you must continuously seek and enlighten the souls to its way, let that be your duty as long as you shall live. And I'm burning up with the bitter search for liberation; let that be any kind of liberation, flying in a world where everything possible; at the beginning, my globe was children's toys and then become a world of fantastic mythology and heroic stories then sexual world with oppressed desires which sometimes can not be tamed and with all this, there is always the dream of liberation.

: I am always dreaming of liberation and I want to live even if it was just an illusion; I remember that day as if it were yesterday; I went to the psychiatrist when my parents got divorced; when I knew about it; I spoke not a single word that has a meaning; we were sitting in the living room; all of us on a their own private chair and started drinking madly; I asked foolish questions and foolish answers I got. I experienced a situation of sudden stillness for few days then woke up that day can not breathe; went to the psychiatrist and embarked on telling my story, the fear of the unknown surrounded me; sat gazing at the beauty of the room that resembled a golden cage.

The psychiatrist: What seems to be your problem?

: I do not know! After that, I just started telling the story of Alice in Wonderland, when I was fourteen; I escaped from the home; hmm! No! i Never did flee; I always loved home and my parents….

And now, no matter matured I turned to be; my childhood memories will continuously haunt me, perhaps I will get married and give birth to three children as I wished and possibly my husband will cheat on me like my father did to my mother and but.... ill forgive him, ill forgive him because ill love him.....

: don't cry my little one; don't cry please! I strongly want to make love to you!

: I think the sad figures are violently attracted to each other.

He touched her Lips with his fingers; looked into her eyes and kissed her; carrying her to his room and lied on his bed and exercised the act of love

Amal stood in front of the mirror; admiring his twinkling and elegant suit as his usual daily habit whether was it summer or the winter season; listening to the overture of Wagner's opera Lohengrin; putting on his handkerchief then his hat; the hat must be tilted forward slightly; lifting the gramophone needle; then disembarked

Amal stood before the river

: I may understand the deep desire of the human beings for the need for creation; thus achieving perfection and defying God; but I will not understand the desire of human beings in destruction; destroying anything and everything beautiful they ever had or even seeing it, owning it then destroying it! She is a beautiful girl and I am devastated; love offset love and destruction offset of mass destruction; then threw himself in the river.