14th May- 21 August 2008
To: Alexandra
******
Day 1, Adham's place
The sunlight entered slowly and warmly into room; he felt it opened his eyes slowly as usual; took a deep breath then another as if he is smelling something and sighed in disgust; he opened the window; turned on "The man I love" by Billy Holiday, then went to the kitchen to prepare coffee and eat anything before lighting a cigarette and as soon as he took a sip from his coffee he lid the cigarette mechanically.
Addressing the cigarette: why do they say that you are harmful? So what? One must always remember the beautiful and small things in his life; even if it was boring and somewhat routine ... Hmmmmm.
He held the pencil, thought for a while then wrote:
The choices we make in our lives determines the juncture which we would go through, therefore blame yourself or bless it; in any case it is you and to you; I mean the decisions and their consequences. He stopped for a moment from writing; took a deep breath from the cigarette in some kind of force; then started writing again.
Do not generate sympathy from the others or unite them around a table and a few seats in a full moon night while having few glasses of wine then start telling your story unless you want to make love to a girl that is questioning her life and regrettably find your story is the one that describes her life or even worse, the story of her dreams!
After she sleeps with you; she will tell you that she has never slept with someone she barely knew; but know my friend you are not Don Joan; you're only a bastard!!!
Talking to himself: No….No….I'll change music; want to listen to absolute music .,he changed it to Rachmaninoff II .. This is better! Then he resumed sleeping again.
*****
At the Café
The old man sat on his usual table, 2 chairs and a coffee table; this is the only spot in this cafe that can be described as dead; Nobody wants to sit there; perhaps because of the association of this spot by the usual visitors and passers alike by the old man's presence; Everyone drew a grim picture of this old man.
The waiter came with his white bright coat holding his drink usual.
Waiter: Here you go Sir.
The old man: Thank you
Before he turned around; he wanted to ask about the reason why the old man always sits in this spot; the young waiter had the feeling of awe that ceased him from asking the old man, he learnt not to interfere with non of his business; perhaps because of sadness in his eyes was stronger than to be touched; he had the courage to finally ask:
The waiter: I want to ask you a question, sir; why do you sit here all the time?
The old man: Did you know that a few years ago; it was easy to find cafes and bars; all these places had the lovers of life as frequent attendance; whether tramps or artists; poor or rich; everyone sang for and to life…..
The waiter (Interrupting): But now there are more cafes than ever! He noticed that he interrupted the old man and looked at the ground in reverence.
The old man took no notice then resumed: the Cafes talking about became fast food restaurants; silly; the ones that I'm talking about, had a tradition; tradition to wear a suit whenever you want to enter; the sense of wild beauty. Did I answer your question?
The waiter: Frankly….No….I mean
The old man in a static revolution: I come to this place as most of cafes and bars turned into shoe shops; I do not know why??? I don’t remember the people being a group of common bare feet peasants who shifted afterwards into group of nobles!
The waiter: I mean, sir; why do you sit precisely in this spot?
The old man: because it is my favorite spot!
The waiter smiled; then went to attend to other requests.
*****
Raef's office
Adham: What do you think?
Raef looked into Adham's eyes a bit then said: Adham; as your publisher and a friend I think you should take some time to rest.
Adham: Why?
Raef took a moment of silence then sighed: I feel that you are starting to lose it; I mean the threads that connects your characters to each other; you write several pages to say one sentence, which is becoming too much; besides; you deliberately add to your characters a large portion of your personality or in some cases they resemble you and this is not necessarily a healthy thing; I mean writer as a writer! I advice you to go to the coast or the countryside; my wife's family owns a villa on the coast…….
Adham: Thank you! I'll go home now; au revoir. He turned his back to him and then walked in military fashion toward the door; opened it, closed in a form of violence.
*****
Raef: haven’t I told you? The coast has its calm noise; you may have moved away from the city, yet despite the wildness of the Sea waves and the sounds of the night; it still helps you calm (raising his voice), is not it, darling?
The wife: Do not worry dinner will be ready within half an hour at most.
Raef laughs: no use, as if you are talking to yourself….(finishes his laugh; then went on: What was I saying? Uh…….I remembered now; Do you read Kazem's Sharef's last play?
Adham : I am still a city person; most people prefer to go to the coastal places and the countryside…..etc. But where the city is; there are human beings; and where the human beings are; you find Lust; sin; tragedy; search for happiness, besides I detest the white C…….
The wife interrupts (with a smile): I knew you needed a refill; as I see your drinks have nearly finished.
Adham: Thank you my dear.
Raef: my dearest; listen to what your friend and mine has to say
The wife: And what that might be?
Adham (shy or perhaps tired of talking): nothing!
Raef (smile): Adham; Do not be shy!
Wife: Adham; you know I do not like procrastination; or go back and forth for nothing. Speak curly head, remember that name? ( Smile)
Adham: Hmmmmmmm; I was talking about happiness and how humans continuously proceed forward; without interruption; whether to rest or to reconsider; till a point they started to live in a continuous illusion with hope in the search for happiness, yet as a matter of fact, only at the beginning, it is just a beautiful illusion, as time goes by, we become boring, the worst part is when humans rush to speak about their happiness, preaching others, take for example…….
Raef (strict manner): You were not talking about this!!
The wife (confusion): dinner will be ready in 5 minutes. Went to the kitchen
Raef: What is wrong with you? You were not talking about this! Being your friend doesn’t mean that you use my personal life in your chit-chats!!!
Adham (irony): that my friend is the penalty for not paying attention to what I say.
Accustomed to hearing this controversy; he changed the subject: Have you read Kazem Sharaf's latest play? I'm accustomed after having finished reading to feel for a few moments that I'm smarter than before; But with this imposter creature; I couldn’t even finish the play!
Adham: Why imposter? Because he writes what he feels in his deep core, because he tries to enlighten us?
Raef: No….No my dear friend; because his writings are full of sick mockery; because he is….why am I even justifying myself? Actually, I will justify myself, because he is preaching us as readers; Let me explain to you; men like this writer; are selfish beings ; trying to follow the footsteps of our early ancestors thus, creating the perfect righteousness, forgetting or pretending to forget that life created them in a completely different environment than others resulting in different customs, habits and traditions thus what might fit in this life is the continuous growth in aptitude and reaching higher spiritual phases and what this creature is calling for, is going through the past paths, unfortunately he doesn’t say it explicitly yet, colors it with a fake political context in his so called political plays, this current trend is called unjustly post-globalization trend and unfortunately again, that is the case of our writers these days!
The wife: Dinner is ready.
*****
The hospital
The old man (Smile): May I have this dance?
The Nurse from a distance: Look at this old man, he wants to dance with an old lady, how pathetic!
Another Nurse: Better than asking us to dance!
The first nurse: what can you say? Middle age crisis!
The woman: But I don’t know how to dance? Besides, there is no music!
The old man (wide smile): does it matter my little one? I don’t know how to dance either, yet, I feel it!
He pulled her towards him firmly but gently, put his left hand in her right hand, crossed there fingers, then started dancing, at first she stumbled, he started directing her: One, two, three, exactly, One,…….
An old man surrounded them, then another and many more; they all started dancing by themselves, and then formed a circle around them, smiling and waving their hands with their imaginary rhythm.
The nurse from a distance: They have all gone mad! This is intolerable! This is a respectful elderly house, not a lunatic asylum!
The other nurse: I'll go get the doctor!
*****
Raef's office, 3 years ago
A girl dismounts stairs in a childhood manner as soon as she reached upstairs, she sees Raef with a client on the phone.
Raef: Hmmmmm….Haven't I told you Mr. Kazem?; the government censors would not agree to publish your book and believe me……….believe me, I am convinced with what you wrote, I even see it as the best book you have written so far and that is why I'm fighting for its publication............of course.
Girls (interrupting): Mr. Raef.....Mr. Raef.....the 3 o'clock appointment has arrived!
Raef (denouncing): Just a second…..can't you see???? I'm on the phone!!! Then he proceeded with the conversation…..I was saying, I am convinced that this is the best thing you wrote; and that is why I'm fighting for its publication…….
Girl: I'm sorry!
Raef: Can't you see? Damn it! The girl went downstairs simmering in tears….I'm sorry Mr. Kazem…..Well, of course; Lets talk tomorrow………Bye...Hmmm(loudly): Send him up Mary. He started looking at the sheets lying in front of him, turning it in an aggressive manner.
Adham started going upstairs in a confident pace till he reached the last step: Good evening, Mr. Raef.
Raef (still looking at his papers): I have heard about you from Mr. Raouf, he told me that you are an excellent writer, didn’t have the opportunity though to read everything, but from what I read was good, I have some remarks though.
Adham sat quietly: Like what?
Raef Lifted his eyes from the paper to see that Adham had already sat, he denounced the act: Do not write about this kind of human relationships in your stories; It has become somewhat boring; and the intelligent reader will sit in eternal boredom hoping for the end moment; that is if you are lucky and the reader ended the novel; readers nowadays are bored from talking about creation and the difference between luck and destiny, whether it is a choice or, or , or……..etc.; in addition to that, you will not be as successful as Luigi Luigi Pirandello in his play "six characters looking for the author", Anyways…..
Adham (interrupting): I'm not mocking my characters; nor using parody for the purpose of comparing my characters to each other, the characters that are full of satirical and sin that forces me to shape their road towards righteousness in the end, or at least add this road.
Raef surprised, mocking and enjoying: wow, you seem like a good scholar.
Adham: Why do you publish for Kazem Sharaf? Or accurately, why have you started publishing for him?
Raef surprised by the strange question; took a moment of silence: Because Mr. Kazem is a great and important writer; simply; his writings attracted my attention. Beside, the success his books gained nationwide……
Adham (interrupting): in my humble opinion; I think the chance is what made him a famous author but not important; the culture and the understanding of the readers diminishes day after day, hence, the "choices" the readers make afterwards in what kind of books they read is in their opinion, are choices resulting form awareness and understanding, thus generating profits to you and that is why I don’t think you chose as much as the moment allowed you to seize it!
Raef (astonished and in silence rage): What do you want to say?
Adham (simply and egoistically): The world of choices, luck and fate; is relative; which we haven’t penetrated deeply, in addition to that, some craft and a lot of feelings and meditation; perhaps we will reach the truth!
Raef took a moment of silence, looked at Adham's confident eyes then laughed intensely: I'm still not convinced, but I chose to become your publisher; meet me after tomorrow to discuss the publishing details.
Adham (Smile): I think that I will have a lot of fun.
*****
The Dr. Addressing the old man: Isn't it a shame, a man your age to start dancing? If it wasn’t for my appreciation for your son, you have been expelled immediately! Then he directed his words to words the old lady: and you ma'am, you have always ben a virtuous woman, this is the last alert to you both! You are dismissed!
The Dr. began shouting at the nurses while the old couple were on their way out, the old man closed the door quietly with a smile and women shedding tears.
The old man: Why are you crying my little one?
The women: I'm no longer a child; I can not put up with this talk; I never could throughout my life.
The old man: There is a wise saying: those who can not do, teach, and those who can't teach, supervise. Then he laughed out loud, the woman then smiled, the old man continued: what do you say my little one we go out for a walk? She nodded with approval and they went out.
On the lawn they sat and for the first time he noted that her skin is white; freckles appeared quickly and beautifully; the sun suddenly lightened her face as if her face had lid by itself, the sun went out leaving behind a beautiful smile
The old man: you know? I wish I keep the moment within me forever!
The women (smiling): how poetic!
The old man (smile): I'm not necessarily a poet; I'm just a good reader. Tell me about yourself.
The women: What you want to know?
The old man (A caring smile): anything and everything.
The women (irony and nostalgia): Nothing exciting can describe my life; after birth; my mother died of fever; My father was very strict; was a tradesman; in permanent search for any source of money even if it forced him to deal with the scum of the society; went to a catholic school ; Married at the age of sixteen to a tradesman like him; gave birth to three girls; he died; I grew old, joined the elderly house and there I am as you see, and you?
The old man: And what about love?
-- Silence --
The old man: And what about love my little one? Have you ever fallen in love?
The women: Yes. I have fallen in love before, I don’t know if you can call this love or not, he was a handsome man, I think he was a university student, she smiled and continued: he was tall, silky hair, and smokes the pipe, always sitting at his favorite table, I used to see him when I went out of school everyday, standing facing the café's front and watch him eagerly, I imagined he would kiss me ardently with all mankind possessed passion
The old man: And what happened after that?
-- Silence --
The women: Because the road from the cafe was longer than usual; my father began doubting my behaviors; hit me; and got me married! Tears ran across her lips
The old man (in Love): What do you say about me and you going to that cafe?
*****
Three months later, Raef's place
Raef's house is full of movement;, going back and forth, the maids and the wife put the last touch to celebrate the publishing of Adham's first Novel
The wife talking to a maid: so, how much time do you need to finish?
The maid: Ten more minutes ma'am
The wife: faster then!
Raef from the bedroom: help me with my tie!
The Wife: ok
In few minutes everyone started arriving, After several minutes; owners of some publishing houses, the staff, Kazem Sharf and Other writers
Raef standing with some owners of publishing houses; laughing with a loud voice: You know? The first time I saw him, he started taking about luck, choices and what is the difference between them…..etc.; what can you say? Youth! It does not matter now, the novel succeeded and that is what counts.
A publisher: I heard that gamble. Lets play with him and see how ho lucky his damn choices are.
Another publisher: by the way, where is he?
Raef: Hmmmm….Excuse me gentlemen. He went to the bedroom looking for his wife; slammed the door: Azza! Did he call? This bastard! When I organize something, it has to be perfect
Azza putting finishing her makeup: No, not yet.
Raef: You are all useless! Came out and closed the door in a violent manner!
Azza looked at the mirror for a moment, then proceeded with the makeup
*****
Raef closed the door, saying goodbye to the last group of attendees: Damn it! Never been embarrassed like this before, Me!! Me! Forced to apolige like that and finish the party before it has begun!!! Me!!
Azza: Don’t worry my dear, forget about him, perhaps he had some interrupting engagements!
Raef: Damn it ! Don’t interrupt me!
Azza: You have drunk too much, come one, lets…….(The door bell rang) Perhaps someone forget something. She opened the door, stood still for a second then laughter burst
Adham (in a theatrical performance): To attend or not to attend, that is the question, whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer from these damn choices, takes arms against sea of troubles, suffer from insomnia and sleep no more!
Raef: What are you doing here?
Azza: Raef!
Adham: I came to celebrate, before you interrupt me, I was playing in a bar.
Azza: playing?
Adham: Of course my dear, I play Saxophone, but this doesn’t matter now, the important thing is here and now!
Raef (exploding): You have the nerves to come here three hours later and intoxicated!
Adham: The important this is that I came, to tell you the truth; I wanted to celebrate only with my friends and you are my friends!
-- Silence --
Azza: come on in Adham, excuse me!
Adham: Wouldn’t you invite me for a drink my friend?
Raef: I think a drink wont harm; I need one myself as well.
They all sat and Azza started pouring some Whiskey; Raef took his drink and drank it one shot, Adham slowly stirred it with his finger, took a sip and looked at Azza with a smile: You look ravishing my dear like a girl in a Hitchcock movie.
.Azza (smile): But; most Hitchcock girls die in the end.
Adham (Addressing Raef): Why are you troubled?
Raef and and Azza: What?
Adham: It is well known; that many alcoholics; drink many glasses in one shot, then little by little throughout time, and of course, the classic thing about this is that they want to forget, though you drank this glass after a while in one shot, yet I do believe that there is something bothering you.
Azza (denouncing): But raef isn’t an alcoholic!
Adham (smile): But of course!
-- Silence --
Raef started laughing out loudly; his laughter lasted for several seconds; then suddenly.
Raef: I always despised the irony the blue-collars obtain, (Started laughing even louder): yet, this time, I'll exclude it
Adham (quite rage): of course that is an honor I don’t deserve, but it is a note that deserves admiration, as my dad was one of the collars, I still don’t know for myself, all what I know, is that I'm not going to be a white-collar, buy a painting, firstly, not original, secondly, it wont be the Claude Monet painting " the sunrise" which is higly recognized as the one shifting the art trend into the expressionist phase, especially if I don’t understand what it means!
Everyone suddenly stepped into silence; Raef and Adham staring at each other till Raef finally sighed!
Azza (Addressing Adham): Want another drink?
Adham: Thank darling; I will pour it myself; and play a tune as well; what do you want to listen to my friend?
Raef (cold): It does not matter….No…..I want to listen to Wagner
Azzat: Wagner! Now!
Adham: Dear Lord! What do you think of Edith Piaf?
Azza: Yes; lets listen to Piaf
Raef: As you wish!
Azza (Addressing Adham): What is your story with Saxophone?
Adham: I loved jazz since I was a little boy; At the beginning, I decided to learn Trumpet couldn’t because of my smoking habit so, I started learning Saxophone, formed a band, we play what so called the music of the lost generation
Azza: What do you mean by the lost generation?
Adham: The generation that is troubled by the tomorrow, surrounded by the economic problems, bad readers, especially for history, thus lost any sense of identity and got influenced by the Western style in music…….
Raef (interrupting): But there is still hope; they started using simple language; reflecting on life problems, lyrics are full of sarcasm
Adham (sigh): Exactly!
Azza: I know what means; but with all due respect; I do not like this kind of music
Adham and Raef: Me neither!
-- Silence --
Laughter then exploded
*****
On their way toward the cafe; the woman stood every once in a while pointing to some shops and buildings, saying: I remember this; and that; what happened? How much time passed by?
They reached the café, she approached the front glass in a speedy yet hesitant manner stood in front of the glass front and smiled, looked deeply through the front to see who is in there, she backed off slowly seeing herself at the age of sixteen, felt her face, and then looked at the old man in disappointment of everything. All what she hoped for is some moments of stillness and nostalgia, the street's smell was a mixture of dust diluted by rain drops after it has stopped, she couldn’t notice the smell while walking, yet when she suddenly stopped, the smell reached suffocation, she looked at the sky in search for some clouds, unfortunately, all what she saw is an ugly intense clouds mixed, she started hesitantly looking at all the scenes surrounding her, the front, the old man, the sky, the road to home.
The old man: What's wrong my little one?
The women: time has passed by very quickly
The Old man: even if time has passed, You know, erase from your memory, everything except the happy moments; as these moments are what make us continue this life.
The women: Maybe life needs some faith, maybe I'm not sure of many things in my life, yet what I'm sure of is that life is still beautiful even if it is melancholic in sometimes.
The old man grabbed her firmly but gently to his chest: There are several questions I ask myself; if I would die tomorrow; will I die happy? From there on, I do whatever it takes to live happily, lets live happily from now on my little one, they smiled at each other and left.
*****
Adham's place, after a week
The door bell rang, Adham opened to see Azza in front of him.
Adham: I knew you would eventually come (smile)
Azza: what makes you so sure?
Adham (smile): My inner feeling
Azza took off her coat, gave it to Adham and started looking around at all the corners of the room, the furniture was simple but antiquated, the room seems in some corners empty except from some tables, small items are arranged randomly yet intentional on it, things that used to wrap a child with, some paintings are hanged under simple illumination, photographs on some corners for people from the past, it seems like these small things that add some aspect of hope in his life. Azza stood in front of one of the paintings.
Azza (cynical): and do you know what this painting means?
Adham (passing her the drink): does it matter that I know what it means? The important thing is to feel it, in any case, this painting was done by Hassan Soliman in his water color phase, it expresses………
Azza (interrupting): I didn’t ask you about this, get used from now on to answer only the questions that are directed to you, besides, don’t show yourself off in your answers (smile)
Adham (shy): ok
Azza took the juice from Adham; took a simple look at the room and then sat down.
Adham (talking to himself): lets see what we can listen to (he looked at his discs while mumbling with incoherent tunes) Yes, I found it, Bossa Nova, lets listen to Tom Jobim. Adham took his glass then sat on his favoruite chair
Adham (smile): How are you?
Azza (ironic): fine. Adham; who are these people?
Adham: These images are the gateway from my life, her photographs and theirs, looking at them gives some sort of comfort, like a dream when you are awake, you wish it will last forever.
--Silence--
Adham: Azza….what do you think of playing a game? You ask and I answer, why play it? Why not? (smile)
Azza: you know Adham, you are a big child, and that is why people envy you and despise you at the same time, as being a child is what makes them envy, somehow they wish to become like you, wild and free, also you represent a challenge to all the well known customs they live in.
Adham: I think you're probably right; and for that I despise them all…I detest all the fake things we live in right now, the world that we live in right now became a circus, and it isn’t even funny! Everyone is artificial, everyone fakes a smile on their face, you go out of home because you can't survive your daily routine, go to the circus whichever it may be, you buy your happiness, feel some sort of joy, when the circus is over, you find a grim on your face and you go home, now there are two choices, either you take a moment of your time to restore your dreams that have ended, or continue down that road till your day has come, lets take your life with Raef as an example, it is a fake life with all the meaning that this word can express……..
Azza (interrupting): don’t let your vanity convince you with some sort of artificial intelligence that you don’t have! My life with Raef isn’t fake, Raef is the only one who sincerely felt me in a time when I need it, when my life was disturbed, I wanted to believe in a better tomorrow, I have now my little perfect life, of course there are aspects of our work that ridicules our life, yet since they are ridicules, they are trivial, in the end, I love my husband! and I love my life!
Adham: The eye sees what the mind wants to see.
Azza: you are rude and sitting with you is the absurdity itself!
Adham: I say this from a point that Raef is characterized as conceited, rude and funny, same as his father, yet his father was a genius and a mad sculptor, as a human being, he was unbearable, the only excuse to accept him with his moody attitude was by the fact that he was a genius, his son, Raef, didn’t inherit any of this, thus there is no excuse to accept him as a human being!
--Silence--
Azza: I'm leaving!
Adham: please don’t leave, your presence means a lot to me, lets change the subject.
-Silence-
Adham: Tell me a nice scene from your past.
Azza (Sigh): My grandma was a lady from the past times, she used to tell me, you can tell a lot about the man from just looking at his socks, A Gentleman and polite, An imposter gentleman and a vulgar or a tramp.
Adham: You know, every time I'm going to meet a guy, the first thing I'm going to do is to look at his socks (Smile)
Azza (Smile): Why do you write?
Adham: I write because I'm selfish, because I want people to feel me
Azza: the question is, do you feel yourself?
--Silence--
Adham: you know, sometimes, I feel like I'm heroine, the scene is magnificent when you see it falling from up above slowly, as if you are watching a scene in slow motion, you cant help but smile and sometimes laugh form the extreme joy that possess you, you take a deep, yet quick breath, and comes out the exhaled pleasure, lying in dormant, wanting to this feeling to last for eternity, however, the painful truth is that all of this is fake! When you start to feel pain, you wish you never inhaled it, even regret this inhale, now, you have to choices (smile), either continue with the repetitive misery or for powder seizes to exist!
Azza: so, it is the love of self-destruction that is what it's all about! You are pathetic. By the way, I didn’t understand your novel, the one about the guy and the woman!
Adham: did you feel it?
Azza: I think you are a gifted writer, why don’t you write about reality?
Adham: why write about reality? Reality is boring!
--Silence--
Adham: Azza, I know you know that I want you.
Azza: The problem still remains within me, you came in a time when everything was alright between me and Raef, I felt for very few people non superficial feelings, and I don’t know why you in particular? Even though you look like a circus clown, yet, I fell for you!
Adham (laugh): they all say that. Want another drink?
Azza: I never even took one
Adham: I'll pour one for myself. Adham went to his bar (addressing Azza) You know, ladies can never have enough attention, they always don’t mind it (laugh)
Azza: The problem is that you are naïve, don’t you know that I knew about the silly fights between you and Raef? Adham, I don’t like drinking too much, especially at this time of the day!
Adham (smile): Then don’t drink my dear, I drink to forget or forget, drink and remember!
Azza: I didn’t ask you!
Adham (Laughs): You have a point!
--Silence--
Adham: I still want you!
Azza (Sarcasm): didn’t you find another way to say it that could be less naïve?
Adham (Similar Sarcasm): Do you think I don’t know that it is naïve?
Azza: What if I said no?
Adham: You will loose a lot!
Azza: Ha Ha Ha…..why all the confidence?
--Silence--
Azza: Why are you looking at me this way? O you think ill submit in the end?
Adham: Yes. He caressed her lips as a sign of silence, their lips came closer, they closed their eyes and kissed.
*****
Raef's office, after a month
Raef gazing at the book set in front of him for a few minutes; smoking a cigarette, one after the other, looking from time to time at his lighter, lids it, the fire goes out, lids it again, gazes at the rest of the room and especially the books on the shelves.
Adham goes upstairs in a controlled speed, till he sees Raef sitting down at his desk: What is wrong with you? What happened? Why did you summon for me urgently?
Raef (staring at his cigarette): why do they claim that you are awful? You know, I never used to smoke, I always hated that feeling of being tiresome all the time, especially in exercising, more importantly, this feeling of addiction, yet, because of this damn cigarette, I became what I am today! I was standing in front of the bookshop waiting for a friend, all of a sudden; the great and famous publisher walked out and asked me if I had a cigarette and without thinking: of course I have one! I will get it from inside, then I went and bought a pack, we started talking, I told him a lot about who I am and my experience in the college newsletter,…..etc it ended, that with a cigarette, I became the owner of the biggest publish house. Of course, my dad was a great artist, I always wanted to be like him, I started sculpting, then painting and music, I failed miserably, till I found out that I'm good at human resources management, which is an art for the ungifted, the art of submitting the people to a comfortable choice of doing what you don’t want to do.
Adham: what's wrong with you?
Raef stood up and starting walking in the room: I think….I think I'm loosing Azza, I know that sometimes I'm unbearable human being, that is how all the human beings are, no matter how beautiful they are from the inside or the outside, there is something that makes life not easy to bare with, the question should always be, given this fact, can you still make it? The problem isn’t that she is seeing another man, the problem is that she will see the qualities that I don’t have in him, hence, she will get attracted to him, that is how human beings are, she will forget what I have and remember what I don’t have, that is the easy way out, because, in order to remember, she has to think and to think, she has to exert some effort, and as I said, sometimes, we take the easy way out!
Adham: I……
Raef (interrupting): Don’t speak, you are here to listen, I don’t want advice!
--Silence--
Raef: You know, I always liked exploring the depths of the human souls especially with those who open their heart to me, I learned by time that I'm not only gifted in understanding it completely, but also to love it, everyone seeks perfection ion whichever form it is, I don’t seek it, as a matter of fact, I hate perfection! I love the incomplete pieces of the puzzle as my imagination fuels my passion to look forward towards the end and that is what helps me stay alive, thee who doesn’t open their heart for me, I despise and resent them. I hope I was right about you. Now you may go my friend.
Adham gazed a bit at Raef: I hope I was a good listener ( stood up and walked towards the stairs)
Raef: Sometimes, silence is needed, it makes us understand better.
*****
Few months later, at the hospital
Almost dead, barren trees standing next to each other add a glimpse of silence, silence mixed with a quality not enough to radiate fear, nor little to gain respect, you look at this still beauty in silence. Adham stopped for some moments at the hospital's garden, finished his cigarette then sighed, crossed till the hospital's reception, spoke a bit with the nurse, then went off to the rare garden plaze, his father sits there on his chair quietly facing the hospital's main building, All what can Adham do now is to gaze at him.
Adham (slowly): Good morning
The father: why did you come?
Adham: I cam….to see you because we both went our ways long time ago
The Father: my son, to depart is to die a little.
-- Silence--
The father: I did not chose this life that I have been through; or perhaps I chose it; you decided that we depart; for reasons I do not wish to know. You chose and decided, as well to take up parts of my life in your stories and thoughts; initially I felt the depart from you growing day after day, till the situation saturated at a point where not only, I don’t care about the reasons, but also, it isn’t my concern anymore. I just want to spend the rest of my life in peace
Adham: I did not chose anything! What about the choices that we have nothing to do with it? Whether these choices are ones of a higher force or bad luck, it doesn’t matter, the important thing, what about these choices? A tragic accident where your loved one dies, the reason, a drunk driver lost control, the barman gave him extra dose so that the drunken driver drinks back and forth, the barman wanted by that to get an extra tip, the barman's wife is demanding and the living expenses don’t have mercy on anyone….so, who's fault is to blame? You? The choices? And which choices? The drunken driver with the good mood? The barman who submitted to his wife's demands? Or the miserable life we reside in? or the supreme power? The power the drew our path before we took it?
The father: I think in this case we should blame your mother!! As she was the one who taught you how to speak in such trivial words personifying yourself in an ape's body, showing off with his bananas in front of his damn friends whenever he gets the chance to catch one. Unfortunately, you will remain immature!
-- Silence --
The father (rage): Why did you come? Are you seeking redemption and salvation? Or you wanted to prove for yourself that what you write might change the reality making your pathetic life more beautiful? Kindly notice that what you write is pure imagination, the truth is here, in this life! No matter what you do, you wont change anything, move on your road my son.
Adham looked away from his father's eyes, stayed like this for several moments, waved away, turned around and left the place.
*****
Adham's place, before day one
Adham opened the window, looking at the street and the passers by, sighed, turned around walked towards his desk, held his pencil, started writing some words with formulation of a certain sentence, then started speaking to himself.
To what extent insanity impacted you? I mean your father and your grandfather were diagnosed insane. You know that the only right presence is the human existence, everything that is out of it, isn’t from you or yours, everything that is truly yours is with you, nothing can truly give or divest anything from you……No...No…I think something should not be said, I don’t know.
A small green creature flew in and stood on Adham's desk, Adham looked at it in admiration, tried to touch it then it flew away!
*****
The End
